JUMP!

I am never afraid of what I know. Anna Sewell

Lately I have become obsessed with jumping out of a plane. It started off with I need to conquer things that I am afraid to do and moved to what is the scariest thing I can think to do. For me jumping out of a plane is it, I can not think of a single thing that is more insane and fear provoking for me than jumping out of a plane. All of the small things have started to fall into place, starting a new career, traveling, making new friends (I can be painfully shy or just so damn blunt it's shocking), starting a PhD program, being free to live where ever I need to in the next year, etc. All of those steps are starting to seem easy, jumping out of a plane will have fewer ramifications for my life yet I am scared to death of scheduling the time for my jump.
Today I decided that I needed to just schedule the time to do this alone. If I talk about it I get nervous. I think that maybe I am just pushing life too far, then I realize that this jump signifies everything that changed for me. It is my commencement ceremony for some permeant and positive changes for moving forward and knowing that whatever I am afraid of is less scary the second time around.

The Grands

I was told today that updating my blog might make it a more interesting read; my family is ridiculously picky.
I forgot my camera so the pictures from Thanksgiving will have to wait until someone sends me a few...that's a hint for my follower.
I love visiting my Grands, it has to be one of my favorite vacation spots. I loved it in Chicago and I love it in Colorado. Their house has a constancy and a comfort that is lovely to return to time and time again no matter the location. I love the greeting when arriving, Grandfather clock, the smell, the wool blankets on the bed, the dolls from my childhood, and just the general feel of the house. There is a special calmness/stillness in their house that always makes me feel peaceful.
Odd as it may seem my family has a few special quirks. One showed up promptly tonight when I arrived. We like to talk (that's not the quirk) and are all horrible at watching TV (that's the quirk). Tonight I sat down to eat a late dinner after arriving and the rest of the family was trying to program a new TV device for my Grands. As we were switching channels and trying to program the device a movie came on that was action packed, my G'pa in true Zander fashion gave commentary to the movie, we talked about what movie it might be what could be happening, about 15 minutes into it we slowly realized it was dubbed over in Spanish, no problem the very loud Zander voices continued to create their own scenarios and outcomes. No lack of creativity here.

Judgement

Judgement is a funny thing. This last week I was thinking about all of the different ways we judge people or different situations and how off we usually are about whatever we are judging. Very few people are really ever overly concerned with anyone else's life. Most people really will pull through for their friends no matter what they may have claimed their previous judgements may be on certain situations. In fact the world as a whole is just pretty nice.

Pura Vida

I am going to miss Costa Rica! It was so difficult saying good bye to everyone today and leaving Jaco. I hadn't realized just how use to it I was getting, I really think I could stay a few more months. I really felt like I was just starting to get into it this week. The moments of being homesick had started to pass and I was starting to explore different things to do in Jaco.
I am enjoying the cool air in San Jose and a warm shower was nice. I like that I don't smell like bug spray and sunscreen right now, that I was able to do my hair, I get to go home and cook what I want, my internet will work regularly again, and I can flush my toilet paper. I however had become use to feeling hot and sweaty all of the time and taking cool showers. I really like being surprised with what I was going to eat. One morning this week I woke up to find out that Anne and I got to learn how to make tortillas. The family we stayed with was absolutly wonderful! I the soup that Anna made for me every time I got sick was amazing and they way they interacted with Anne and I was so warm and welcoming.

Funny Family

The host family I am staying with is hysterical, now granted no family is as funny as my family (just ask, they will let you know), but this family at times could rival them for humors moments. Last Sunday they took Anne (the other girls staying with them) and I into the mountains. The father felt it was very important that we see the mountains because they are so beautiful! So they packed us up for a day picnicking, hiking, and entertainment.
We started the day at a beautiful waterfall where we played around with kids. The mother, Anna, told Anne that there were snakes everywhere and loved that Anne was afraid of the snakes. She would pick up sticks and rub them on Anne's leg when Anne was not looking. They found shrimp and were delighted when Anne screamed when it was put in her hand, I did not have the adequate reaction to many of these shenanigans, it's like I had practice dealing with this behavior.
They then took us to eat lunch where they gave us quite an education in slang specific to Costa Rica. Non of which I can remember but the hand signals for some of it was so funny that it left everyone shrieking with laughter!
They picked new fruits for us to try, took us to visit friends of the family, took us to cool off in an amazing river when we couldn't take the heat anymore, and feed us in the river.
They day was really wonderful. They ended it by taking us to an over look of Jaco that has to be one of the most majestic views I have ever witnessed. We were there at sunsets and it was one of the days were the sunset was almost blue! So amazing to see both the mountains and the beach in the horizon as the sunset.

Mucho Lluvia

I think I might loose my mind with all of the rain down here! I have been stuck in the same location for 4 hours now because it started down pouring while I was walking around this morning. I have my computer with me and no water proof bag!!!! So I am currently missing surfing and hoping that it stops raining in time for me to go to yoga.

This week it started pouring for hours straight! Clearly I need to find a place at the school to leave my computer so that I do not feel impeded by the weather when I am walking around town. This is the second time that I have stopped and thought that I could wait out the rain, a down fall of growing up in the desert. On the upside I can discuss the weather pretty accurately now...my two Spanish topics food and weather. Aside from mucho lluvia it is mucho calor!

I brought a rain jacket with me, helpful. I also brought 5 pairs of pants, not as helpful when you are close to the equator. I brought a zip up and a light beach sweater, completely unnecessary in this location! An umbrella might prove to be useful and a worth while purchase if I ever get to leave this restaurant that I am currently in.

lost and found

I was recently told that it must be nice that I am so unattached to material possessions. This comment was made because I tend to leave a lot behind (think keys, phones, shoes), really I just spread the wealth of my stuff (which multiplies miraculously, that is a whole different topic). It has been discussed in great depth a few times at the dinner bar at the school because of whatever I seem to be missing at the moment. There is a lot of joking about how calm I am as I am looking for something that I clearly need to say get home and get into the room I am staying in.
While I have been in Costa Rica I have managed to leave my computer charger at the Taco Bar so many times that they now recognize me and just hand it to me when I return to retrieve the charger. I have yet to keep a towel for more than 3 days, my great quick dry backpacking towel, gone. I quit buying/borrowing towels about a week ago, I am just not meant to have one here. My clothing is currently cleverly dispersed between different rooms at the school, the house I am staying at, and different drying racks in-between. I only have partial parts of my swim suites today. As for my rash guards I am sure that I will find all of them when it stops raining. Basically if I blessed the room with a shower it has been blessed with my crap. Today is one of those days where I need to retrieve a few positions. I just picked up my computer charger to find that I had also left my credit card at the Taco Bar. Now I am waiting out the rain wondering what else I have left behind in various places. I woke up very aware that I should go and hunt down some of my stuff today.
Now here is what amazes me, when people begin to realize that I regularly leave my crap everywhere they are first extremely concerned about it being stolen and offer a plethora of suggestions to help with my organizations skills. I think my organizational skills are fine, I get done what I need and want to get done and I can find what I want or a substitute for what I want most of the time. What I have found is that most of the time my stuff comes back to me, I think it's because most people where ever you happen to be in the world get that someone would say be grateful to return to their car keys or computer charger. Humans are pretty kind and in general willing to not steal. If someone wants to steal something they seem to seek out the opportunity and not stumble upon it, when presented the opportunity to do the "right thing" most people will.
Leaving my stuff everywhere just gives me the chance to meet new people and practice my Spanish. Here are two of places I frequently leave my stuff in Costa Rica, the beach and the school.

Without Judgement, With Kindness

The yoga teacher down here starts every class with this phrase and I love it! What an excellent reminder. It goes with the surf instructors telling me that if I would just relax I would fall off my board less often. I am getting better at trying new things without judgement and with kindness, relaxing is taking more effort!
As I have relaxed down here life has become easier. I think it has helped me to "break off smaller chunks". I worry so much about what is next that I forget that what really matters is whatever is currently happening. I am getting better at keeping my head in the game and not worrying about what may or may not happen in the next 5 years. The last 5 years certainly did not go the way I thought they would and I really enjoyed most of my life. I am sure that will continue to happen, especially if I stay present and relax!
Life in Costa Rica provides new experiences daily and all have added depth to my understanding of myself or of other people. I am enjoying the people that I have met at the school, they are all so positive and bring different depth and prospective to life. It is fun to watch everyone interact knowing that our time together is short lived. Everyone is so encouraging of each other as we try new and activities and learn new skills. The well wishes for each other is heartwarming, beautiful, and sweet. It is so nice to watch people encourage success.

take it as it comes

Costa Rica is going to be good for helping me take it as it comes! Even the dogs are laid back here, just roll with the flow and hang out with you if need be.
Surfing will be especially good for learning how to just relax and take what comes. If you are tense when surfing you fall off immediately, if you relax a little and just go with the wave you can stand up a little bit better.
So far everything down here has had this philosophy exemplified. Hopefully I will be able to continue to apply this when I return home!

stretch and relax

Today I found out the family I am staying with understands less Spanish than I do English! In so many ways this was just what I was looking for, however for today it proved to be challenging. We drew a lot of pictures and did awkward dances to try and figure out that yes I was hungry for breakfast and yes I like coffee. They then wanted to know what I would call a tortilla and were frustrated by the fact that I just kept repeating their word. Finally they figured out what I was trying to convey and laughed really hard at the whole situation.
I was told that just about everyone I would run into down here would speak English....not today! So I have stretched my brain, it hurts a little right now. I am also grateful to relax and enjoy the forced solitude today. The beach was amazing, I had a wonderful little black dog who sat with me while I read. I tried talking to the owner again to encounter the humors dance that happens when two people do not speak the same language. We were able to communicate that the dog was indeed very cute and sweet.
It is so exciting to be somewhere that will stretch me with people who are so willing to try and communicate with me, very relaxing!

New

The thought of everything being new usually excites me, I really like change! I am not much for planning, I think if you take life with a healthy dose of humor everything will be fine. The last few months I was ready to have some change but for the most part I did not want anything new. I didn't want to move on to a new job, new experiences, new friends, new sports, etc. Because of this I pushed myself to try a few new things and really worked on trying to connect with something new each week. However I found what I really needed was to just tie up a few loose ends.
Now I am ready for whatever comes next! I have a month to try everything new and be totally out of my realm so that I can come back to some level of comfort but also to a "new" life. I am excited to be part of what will be waiting for me when I return to Albuquerque, I am excited to meet the new friends, try a new job, continue with the new sports I took up and try a few new sports and clubs.
I am happy that I continued to push myself to try something different each week. It gave me the encouragement I needed from myself to know that now that I feel ready everything will fall into place. I met incredible people in the last three months, started new friendships that will add to my old friendships and enrich my life. I started doing different activities that will boaster my life and my experiences. I am excited to take a month to really stretch and then return to such a positive environment.

moving on

It is amazing what happens when you realize that everyone is going to focus their energy on different things and that most of the time it is pretty inconsequential to you what others focus their energy on. This is what can make moving on so difficult. Letting go of all of the energy in a relationship, job, or experience can take an exerted effort. If you are willing to put the energy into letting go and healing upfront then you get to enjoy your next experiance completely. You get to move, change, and redefine life based on the lessons that you received from the last experience, letting you truly move on and have a full and new journey.

umbilical cord

Sometime in life it feels like you just have to cut your umbilical cord and start fresh in order to really survive. Maybe you held onto a friendship a little too long, kept trying to make something in your life work that just wouldn't, or kept a job that was stable even though it never really fulfilled you. Somehow you end up frustrated with life and realizing that you just have to take control of what you want to happen. It's scary to take the risk that you need to take in order to find out if you can succeed when you challenge yourself. Yet somehow it is also relaxing at the same time. I find that I end up being nicer to other people because I am really focusing on what I need to focus on and not the silly crap.

oops!

I stink at following advice. I have received some excellent advice in my life that I just plain ignore until I have to apply it to my own lessons to learn. I am excellent at seeking out the resources that I need for good advice, I just for one reason or another feel the need to then explore my options or situations before acting on the advice.
I am especially bad at following my own advice some of the time. I'll think about what I need to do, be confident in my choice of what I should do, and then not follow through. I let others influence choices that I know are right for me and my well-being. I know what will make me happy, so I don't know why I find it so difficult some of the time to let others know that and really stand up for what I want.
Right now I'm going to work on taking my own advice. Using the resources that I have and paying attention when I ask for advice from others. There is a reason I asked for advice from that person, they usually know what they are talking about even if it does seem like difficult advice to apply. I am going to work on just being more responsible for what I do and how I do take care of my life. Then maybe the difficult stuff will seem a little bit easier to take.

beautiful

Today at church the priest had all of us pray together as part of his sermon, we sat there saying at first a common prayer and then our own individual prayers. I realized how beautiful it is when people bring there individuality together for a communal experience. The power of thinking positive thoughts together has always fascinated me. I think it is amazing that we are so powerful as a collective group to do either positive or negative work together. That without speaking people can connect and lift each other up or break each other down. The power of our thoughts never ceases to amaze me.

risk what you value

I love to take huge risk. I like the thrill of trying something new and different. I like the idea of having a great story to tell when it all said and done. I like having people who want to hear about my latest and greatest scheme. I like being challenged to think and push the limits of who I thought I was. Knowing all of this about myself I usually pick pretty reasonable risk, sometimes I am a little more adventurous than other people would be, but still reasonable. I love traveling alone and getting to see what I want to see. I throughly enjoy taking on a new challenge on a regular bases. I value having these challenges in my life.
In relationships I like to risk really getting to know the person. My dearest friends know that at the end of the day we can tell each other anything and that we are a little richer for knowing more about the human experience. I am usually pretty good about remembering that everyone has their own back story and that story is true to them. I love to hear what people think and why they think what they think. Sometimes it really blows my mind that someone I thought I knew really well seems like a complete stranger when they are telling me what they are really thinking. I like the feeling of getting to be privy to those thoughts and having my perspective changed a little bit. I like that I am simply challenged by another persons thoughts.

Yea Churchill!

"Out of intense complexities intense simplicities emerge." Winston Churchill
Sometimes when I am feeling unraveled I try to remember that when life seems too complex those feeling will pass and I will be back to feeling like everything has fallen into place. I remember the feeling of being overwhelmed by working on a piece of art work or working on writing and realizing that I will come to that place where everything breaks free and comes together. So when I am extremely angry at the person who will not give me resolve and seems unscathed by their interactions with me and I am undone by feeling like I communicated so clearly what I wanted from another and they still want a different response, I remember that relationships are a lot like art work and writing. When they seem overwhelming and out of control you have to step back and re-evaluate them. Examining what is making everything seem so complex can help you to remember that you are full of self-efficacy and that you do have the skills to get through these complex emotions and navigate your life.

violated

What do you do when do when you feel someone emotionally violated you? We all feel it from time to time, we all make other people feel this way and yet there seem to be few people that you can work this emotion out with. Few people really want to work past the anger and the upset that comes with feeling violated and yet it can be one of the key steps to moving on from the incident. A good friend will work through this feeling with you until you both feel comfortable and safe in the relationship again. Other people will leave you fending for yourself, you will find the people around that help you pick up the pieces and start to feel whole again. Yet sometime you are still left wondering how someone who said they were trust worthy and caring could leave you feeling devastated by them.
I am a firm believer in expressing when you feel this or any type of emotion that can be worked through. I know that sometimes I will be rejected and sometimes I will have to wait for the person to come around and be ready to work with me to heal the relationship. But other times I wonder if it is worth waiting for, what if the person is a repeat offender. And what if the person appears to be a repeat offender not only with you but with other people as well. As you sit there and feel like you were just another sucker in their messed up life, how do you look past the pattern that you added to and start to look into your own healing. Sometimes it seems impossible and like the only thing to do is sever all ties. This is probably better for all of the aforementioned people that will help pick you up and put you back together and yet it is so tough to let go of the relationship without closer. I think you have to start to figure out how to create closer by yourself and frequently let that person go, if they were really interested they would join the group of people who would like to help you heal. This doesn't mean that you will not forgive them at some point but until you have healed you cannot afford to think about them contributing to your life. And frequently can not let them in even for a mundane conversation until you are whole again.